Allow Myself To Introduce...Myself

I swear, I don't know how all these bloggers manage to blog on a daily basis. They must all be trust fund babies or have jobs that only require them to work an hour or so a day (i.e., managers/executives) to be able to fit it in. Well, I am neither independently wealthy nor a bastard, so please forgive my cretinous tardiness in updating. Also, please forgive the brevity of this entry, but I'm running out of interesting letters to respond to, so I'm half-assing it here. Then again, what do I owe you people? Nothin', that's what.

Entertainment Weekly, Sex & The City Issue

Sadly, I'm filled with gloom about the summer movie season - predictably full of comic-book adaptations, teen sex comedies, and sequels (Summer Movie Preview). I wish more filmmakers would take a cue from Woody Allen and make more original summer fare, like his upcoming 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona'.
Tracey Maine
Parkersburg, W.Va.

Tracey,
I wish more filmmakers would take a cue from Allen and start fucking their adopted children, personally. That way they could film it (you know 99% of directors have to have cameras set up in their bedrooms - and half of those probably shout out directions during the act, too: "I'm sorry, that moaning's not working for me. Could you try it a little more in the style of Me Ryan in the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally? That's it. Perfect. And, CUT!") and post it on the internet and we'd finally have some porn with real production values and a sense of vision. Not to mention the fact that, were Woody to sell his sex tape over the internet, he'd probably make more than the grosses of his last 30 films combined. Who's with me? Come on!

Speaking of screwing Woody Allen, I'm not convinced you aren't doing it yourself. Or possibly you're just his publicist posing as a lowly EW reader, since you went out of your way to badmouth teen sex comedies - which I will not stand for - and followed it up with some praise for a film of his that hasn't even been released yet. You're not exactly putting the "b" in "subtle". Still, if you are indeed a member of Mr. Allen's inner circle, do you think you could show him this screenplay I wrote? I figure he might have someone in his Rolodex who could direct it without making it suck.

Please don't call me Reg, it's not my name,
John

Entertainment Weekly, May 30, 2008

Ellen Pompeo's Meredith isn't just the namesake of 'Grey's Anatomy' - she's its heart and soul.
Sam Kuntz
Cleveland

"Don't I look sultry and sexy? My secret: I was just hit by a car!"

Sam,
Guess that would explain why the show's so vapid and unappealing, then, wouldn't it? Now run along, afore I be forced to pee on you.

p.s. I was going to mock you for writing in about such an obvious chick show, but after noting your last name, I figured you've probably been mocked enough in your life.

Giving out their word 'cause it's all that they won't keep,
John

People, June 2, 2008

Heidi Montag must have been dreaming! She can't possibly think that we'd believe she looks like that when she wakes up in the morning. Heidi may want to take a cue from the other cast members who were confident enough to show their true selves.
Donna Alves
San Jose, Calif.

Heidi Montag: She can annex my pole-land any day

Oh, Donna,
Who did what, now? Heidi Montag - is she the chancellor of Germany? Because if she is, I can tell you from personal experience, the bitch looks absolutely ravishing when she wakes up in the morning. Also, though she once played the role of Danny Zuko in an off-Broadway production of Grease, she no longer has any other "cast members", so I haven't the muh'fuckin' foggiest what you're on about. Perhaps you meant to say "members of her cabinet". Maybe you should try studying history some time, so you don't end up sounding like such a total fucking donkey. People like you are the reason we're losing the lucrative plastic chew-toy industry to the Chinese.

I went to the chair and I sat in it,
John

Entertainment Weekly, Summer TV Preview '08

As a Oliver Stone fan, I expect 'W' will be like his other films: wildly inaccurate yet fascinating.
Jeff Littleton
Dallas

Jeff,
I think you misspelled "irrelevant" and "boring as a pair of thumbs".

I'm sure that everybody knows how much my body hates me,
John

Not A Real Update...

...Though I'd planned an entry; suffice to say, things didn't work out (I didn't even update my other blog tonight, and most of that shit's already written), but maybe I'll be able to finish the post tomorrow morning (if the fuckers at work will get off my back about doing my "job"). So let me do just a couple shout-outs:

1. News flash!: Not all Entertainment Weekly letter writers are stupid monkeys!
Finally, one of them responds to an entry of mine without coming off like a whiny loser. She posted her comment here, and proved conclusively that even people who read trashy magazines are capable of possessing a sense of humor about themselves and using their brains for purposes other than watching TV. See, the difference between most of these correspondents and me (and no, it's not that I'm so much smarter than they) is that if some random blogger I didn't know personally attacked me in (cyber-)print, I wouldn't give a shit. I might even find it funny. In fact, anybody who wants to start a website dedicated to how much I suck and write scathing pieces about my proclivity for raping kittens or whatever, be my guest. Frankly, strangers' opinions of my worth as a human being stopped mattering to me in 9th grade. Kimberly would appear to be made of similar stuff, and it's heartening to see she didn't take my attack personally and got the (admittedly caustic) joke. So I thank you, madam, for responding in a witty fashion, and to answer your question (Who should play me in the biopic of your life), I think you'll agree there is but one clear-cut choice: Jeremy Piven.

2. Moo!
I'm sure I'm the last one in this hemisphere to become aware of this, but on the off chance you haven't seen it yet, this is quite possibly the funniest thing on all the internets. Oh, in theory, it sounds like it should be the lamest, most uninspired pile of worthlessness ever, but I was literally crying from laughing so hard at the absurdity of it all. Trust me, if you like this here blog, the humor's right up your alley.

And now, I am spent.

Believe It Or Not, George Isn't At Home...

As I mentioned, I'm doing a second blog now, so I won't be updating this one on a daily basis anymore (not that I really have been anyway), but I'll keep it up at least a few times a week. If you know what I mean. And if you do, please pass it along to me. I'm totally lost.

People, June 2, 2008

Like Julianne Moore, I too have spent my life wishing for a new hair color. Not anymore! Thank you for letting the world know redheads are unique and beautiful and for making me feel special.
Amy Hartman
Grove City, Ohio

Amy,
I hate to take a dump in your oatmeal, but not all redheads are beautiful (much less unique - a good rule of thumb when using this term: if there's more than one of something, it's not unique in any sense of the word). Maybe you're unfamiliar with that annoying kid who always called Phillip Drummond "Mr. D." and sang fucked-up country songs on Diff'rent Strokes? You know, the little butt-ass who went on to star in that sub-Saved By The Bell-level atrocity Salute Your Shorts? Well, take my word for it, he was about as fugly as they come. There are, of course, also many attractive redheads (as there are of any friggin' hair color [except white - albinos and the elderly will always be hideous]), as pretty much anyone with even an IQ in the low teens would suspect. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure "the world" already knew this without having to be reminded by People. Why it's news to you is puzzling, but I'm glad a single article about Julianne Moore was able to reverse a lifetime of low self-esteem. Just think, pretty soon people won't need therapists at all - they'll just go into the therapists' waiting rooms and read their magazines to gain a whole new perspective! And with all the money they end up saving, I'm sure they'll start a foundation to end the persecution of you poor, oppressed gingy freaks. If you can dream it, you can do it!

I wanna destroy you,
John

I do not understand how Jennifer Aniston can be interested in John "love 'em and leave 'em" Mayer. He has blown through so many sweet girls; I hope Jen wises up.
Margaret Loper via e-mail

"Were this 50 years ago, I might actually look like a rebel, rather
than a poseur douche sitting for a high school yearbook picture."

Loper,
To be honest, if I was Ms. Aniston I'd be less worried about whether he was going to dump me than I would about whether I was in fact a mouth-breathing moron, given that he'd previously dated Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt, both of whom would appear to possess roughly the same level of sentience as a Holstein. The man's (and I use that term loosely) obviously got a type, and suffice it to say, there's a reason he never wrote a song called "Your Mind Is A Wonderland".

In any case, I'm sorry to report that I don't think she's going to "wise up" any time soon. I mean, wasn't she dating that singer from Counting Crows for a while? She's apparently learned nothing about moving up on the horrible Adult Alternative Musician dating ladder. I'm not sure if John Mayer is a step up or a step down - I've misplaced my Annoying Pop Fool conversion chart - so let's just call it a lateral move and be done with the whole sorry subject.

I'm the all-night drug-prowling wolf who looks so sick in the sun,
John

Entertainment Weekly, May 30, 2008
Between the tousled hair and the bare back, the photo of Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair is an adult, erotic image (News & Notes). Disney needs to make a decision. If they want "a billion-dollar empire based on one girl's goodness," as you put it in your article, they need to stop giving their teenage TV stars recording contracts and making them into goddesses. Get the hint already, Disney: If you don't want these teens to act like adults, stop TREATING them like adults!
JoAnna Yoder
Newport, Ore.

Verily, I have a hankerin' for some PEZ!

Yoda,
Tousled hair and a bare back, you say? Thank goodness she didn't show any exposed ankle, or there'd be a national panic. A run on the banks! Blackouts and looting! Pigeons flying into office windows! It'd be bedlam, I tell you! And, as usual, all because some damn teenager decided on an "adult, erotic" pose for their photo shoot. What's it going to take for this country to wake up and realize that mussing your hair and exposing your back is the first step down a road that ends in a degrading three-way with a couple of undesirable minorities in some fleabag motel off the Jersey Turnpike? It's a story as old as time, and nearly as inevitable. Miley should be grateful there are such arbiters of morality as you to keep her in check.

Your business acumen is questionable, though. If they want to build the chick into a billion-dollar empire, shouldn't they give her a recording contract? Admittedly, I don't have an MBA - I'm not yet a big enough asshole to qualify for the program - but it seems to me that if you want to exploit somebody for your own financial gain, it's wise to force them into as many possible money-making ventures as you can think of. If they can wrangle it - and if any entity can, it's Disney - they ought to get her recognized as a sovereign nation, mint Republic of Miley Cyrus currency, and open up trade with China. Then, if they're lucky, maybe she can become a nuclear power, which will give her even more bargaining power. Nothing commands respect like the ability to destroy every living thing on the planet except the cockroaches (which unfortunately means the world still wouldn't be rid of Jeremy Piven). If Disney knew shit about shit (which they don't), they'd get to work on this plan before Miley does something to destroy the public goodwill she's built up, like wearing a skirt cut above the knee or flaring her nostrils in a suggestive manner or somesuch. Do no corporations even care about Total Global Domination anymore? This is no longer the country I grew up believing in.

I fell into a burning ring of fire,
John

Hey, yo! I finally did the first post for my new Blog, The 1,001 Worst Songs Of All Time. I may post again to it tonight, since, unlike this blog, I'm not making it up on the spot, but actually have quite a lot of entries already written. Please go check it out, and feel free to make suggestions (though I've most likely already thought of them). Also, if anybody feels like contributing, shoot me an e-mail - if it fits stylistically and it's a song I don't already have an entry written for, I'll be happy to post it. Later, fools!

You're Such A Super Lady

People, Most Recent Issue (Can't read the date on this copy, sorry)

What I find most disturbing about polygamists is that they promote a lifestyle with the same problems that have plagued much of America for decades: parents switching between multiple sexual partners, uneducated women in near-constant states of pregnancy and girls growing up with little self-esteem. This just demonstrates that when practices are cloaked in the sacred veil (or, in this case, dowdy pioneer frock) of religion, they are often just the same old sins.
Robyn Keyster
DeKalb, Ill.

Robyn,
Things must be pretty bad in DeKalb if you consider swinging parents and stupid, habitually pregnant women perpetual problems in American society. In fact, it's a good thing you didn't throw in a line about the crack epidemic, or I'd be inclined to regard the litany of social woes you describe as "plaguing" us as somewhat racist rantings. Luckily, you didn't, so I'm sure you're just concerned about the social injustice inherent in a free and democratic society.

You're correct in your assertion that religion tends to promote low self-esteem in girls, too. I wonder why that would be? When I read most holy books, women seem to be so highly regarded! Why, in the Christian Bible itself, Shirley the most compassionate and loving of all major religious texts, I defy you to find women represented as anything less than The Divine Master's most perfect creation. I believe history has borne this interpretation out. I mean, who can forget the beloved Pope Mary Catherine, or the Church's many suffrage movements throughout the centuries? It's a conundrum, to be sure. Thankfully, this is a secular country, and we're not about to start dispensing special benefits to people just because they claim to have fuzzy, non-falsifiable "spiritual" beliefs, so I'm sure this whole cult thing was just a fluke.

Nevertheless, I'd appreciate if you'd refrain from casting aspersions on dowdy pioneer frocks, if you please. My first wife was a dowdy pioneer frock, and she bore me three beautiful frumpy table napkins (all named Jeremy Piven), and I don't think it would help their self-esteem to hear their mother mocked in print. Thank you.

Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna,
John

Sorry, Hoda, I like you but I can no longer watch the fourth hour of the Today show since Kathie Lee has joined you. She was annoying with Regis and she is annoying now. When she is gone, I'll come back.
Cynthia Nostrant
Saline, Mich.

Chupacabra!

Cyn,
Your letter, much like the contents of a Jack in The Box taco, raises more questions than it answers. Who is Hoda? Some little green Jedi prostitute? And when you say you can no longer watch the fourth hour of the Today Show, are we to infer that you actually can watch the first three hours? Because I've got to tell you, that's still about 5 more hours than I can stand. Also, why does Kathie Lee only appear in the fourth hour of the broadcast? Did Regis somehow write into her contract that she would only be allowed to do an hour's worth of TV work per day for the rest of her life? If so, he should win the Nobel Peace Price, in my opinion! And another thing: What is Kathie Lee - like, in her 70s? Have you ever known people to become less annoying as they grew into senior citizens? I sure haven't. So there's really no reason for you to have included that sentence. And then there's the fact that you think some huge media conglomerate gives a rat's ass whether one lone viewer shuts the program off after three goddamn hours in the first place. It's all so baffling. You should write a mystery novel, or a screenplay for David Lynch! Don't hide your light under a bushel (whatever that means - I assume it has something to do with shaving your pubic region).

You're making out with schoolkids, winos and heads of state,
John

Entertainment Weekly, "Sex And The City" Issue '08 (That's what it says, for reals)

After reading your Where in the World Is Osama bin Laden? review (Movies), I found it pleasantly ironic to turn the page and see a review of Helen Hunt's Then She Found Me. Just recently I'd asked myself, "Where in the world is Helen Hunt?" Thanks for the update.
Barry Leibowitz
Cheshire, Conn.

"Does this mean I now have to star opposite that bland Paul Reiser
in a horrible sitcom and endure constant comparisons to Leelee Sobieski?
Fine. You may kill me now, Western devils."

Barry,
You don't honestly expect me to believe you asked yourself that, do you? I hope not, because that would make you pretty damned retarded. I mean, I suspect that if I was teaching a special ed class and one of the students piped up, apropos of nothing, "Mr. John, why haven't we heard from Dick Van Patten for so long?" I probably wouldn't be all that shocked, but if my girlfriend left me a note that she'd be out late at her sister's and then added "By the way, do you know what Esther Rolle's been doing with herself lately?", it'd be time for counseling, or at least a trip to the NSA fuck-buddy section on Craigslist. I gather you see my point. If not, hopefully there's an authority figure around that makes sure you only use the baby scissors.

Also, I'm not sure you understand the meaning of "ironic". But you still get a gold star from me!

Look me in the eye and tell me that I'm satisfied,
John

Entertainment Weekly, Dec. 14, 2007

When Alicia Keys returned from her Egyptian vacation, was she actually worried about how many breaks she'd get between interviews? With all of the resources she has, I'd rather have read about her setting up a foundation in memory of the family member she lost to cancer.
R.M. Sheridan
Keyport, N.J.

"For my next number, I'd like to do a cover of one of my
favorite songs. This one's called 'Meat Hook Sodomy'.
C'mon, give it up for Cannibal Corpse, y'all!"

R.,
Me too! That sounds like it would be a super fun read! Though if the family member's already dead, I don't see what good a foundation's going to do at this point. I mean, I'm sure she's wealthy, but it's not like the medical research community is going to be able to cure the disease if they could just raise a couple more mil or anything. I'm sure she recognizes what a great humanitarian you are by bringing up her personal tragedy to shame her about her success, though. I know I'm always hearing the wealthy express their appreciation for people with no money telling them how they should spend theirs. Just more proof that there's no animosity between classes in this country.

It is bizarre that she'd be worried about the breaks between interviews, though, isn't it? It's not like we regular schlubs ever get worked up over such trivial things, like having to wait in line at the drive-thru or forgetting to set the TiVo to record The Hills. No, we have the proper perspective, and therefore don't care if we have to spend every minute of our lives engaged in mundane routine, because we realize that merely being alive is the most precious gift of all. If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times: celebrities are the urinary tract infection coursing through the genitalia of modern society (except for Jeremy Piven, who is the gonorrhea). Thank God our culture doesn't put them on a pedestal. Nobody'd survive The Rapture if we all followed their example. And that would be a damn shame, because I know I, personally, can't wait to party with the Left Behind crowd. Those chicks are so proper and repressed you just know they're wildcats in the sack! Either that or really, deadly boring. Much like your letter.

The body of Christ is a cracker,
John

Spotted: Me n luv w/the EW spot on S&B of The CW's GG. OMG: The Gossip Girl feature ("Psst...Did You Hear?") was exactly what we 2.6 million viewers wanted.
John Quertermous
Murray, Ky.

John,
Did you eat a pound of fucking asbestos or something before writing this? Your entire first sentence nearly gave me a grand mal seizure, you ass. I assume you're a male over the age of twelve (though you are a fan of Gossip Girl, so nothing is as readily apparent as I'd wish), and so you should never use chat-room/text message speak in mixed company ("mixed company" used here to mean "every non-plant form of life in existence"). Although I suspect your little instance of asininity is what got your letter published, because overall it's entirely lacking in content. I should also point out that 2.6 million viewers adds up to less than 1% of the population in this country, so you might not want to be advertising to the network execs just how poorly the show is doing if you're such a fan. Then again, it is on the CW, so they're probably happy to have anybody other than maximum security inmates and dogs who've learned how to turn turn on the TV watching. In any case, I haven't heard the term "Murray, KY!" since I worked as a male prostitute in a Jewish ghetto. So thanks for dredging up the painful (yet paradoxically wonderful) memories, as well. You are a dummy.

L'chaim!,
John

People, May 12, 2008

I found that the celebrity excerpts from the book Healthy Child Healthy World informative and inspiring. I'm happy to know that people are now focusing on eco-friendly living. By the way, my family loved Gwyneth Paltrow's recipe for organic roast veggie sticks.
Meg Leidy
Los Angeles, Calif.

"Excuse me? Has anyone seen my contact lens?
It's blue, and round, and - oh, wait, it's in my eye."

Meg,
You know, it's amazing what people will tell you they "love" when you're providing them with shelter and clothing and allowance money and sex and tax breaks. Plus, I notice you live in Los Angeles, where even the air is full of shit, so you should take anything anybody ever says to you with a grain of salt, and then disregard it entirely. No kid who wasn't raised in a cult is gonna be excited about anything called "organic roast veggie sticks". And I thought it was common knowledge that anything even tangentially associated with Coldplay is to be avoided like Jeremy Piven after a burrito binge. Do try to keep up, darling.

I'm with you on the eco-friendly living, though. Last time I was in L.A., residents only used their Hummers if they were going to travel 4 blocks away or more, and refused to buy any marijuana that wasn't grown locally. I'm just glad that the environmental practices used by countries like China and India are in no way going to counteract our efforts here, since it's an established fact that their pollution will be unable to break through the lines of longitude that separate their continent from ours. Good thing we started the Green movement after they invented maps, or we'd all be doomed. Doomed, I say!

Southern girls, you got nothing to lose,
John

Who Are Parents?

Some quick clarifications/unnecessary utterances:

Regarding the closing sections of my responses: There's no great mystique to it - I pretty much just use lyrics from whatever song's playing on my mp3 player at the time - or, if it's too embarrassing a selection, I just try to come up with a song that has lyrics somewhat suitable to the topic.

I mentioned my upcoming music-related blog yesterday, but I forgot to link to my friend Paul's (the guy I'm working on the book project with) own music blog. Read it. The man knows his shit.

'Nother thing I was asked about (for some reason I find it easier to deal with all this stuff here, rather than e-mail the person back - maybe I'm an exhibitionist. Or maybe I just don't want to get caught in a never-ending correspondence): Is any of this political? It seems like a strange question, but I actually do consider the concept and content of my blog political. If I were to make it overtly so, however, it probably wouldn't be funny, and I already have enough trouble not going over the top with righteous indignation just responding to these sub-moronic letters as it is. So, at the risk of ruining something by explaining it too much, I'll simply state that if you think I'm in any way right wing, you're not only missing the point of this blog but probably also fail to see the humor in it at all.

Shameless self-promotion: Please click on the "Humor Blogs" link to the right - it gives me "points" with that site when people navigate there from my page, which in turn allows me to...get a half-price Slurpee or something. I don't know. I can't be expected to read the text of every form I agree to the terms & conditions of. So, click on it. Or don't. To be honest, it's not a big priority for me.

Finally, I'd like to apologize for the caption of John Krasinski in this entry, because I actually like him (on TV, I mean; I haven't been stalking him or anything) (yet), but the other letters I picked didn't lend themselves to pictures. If somebody ever writes a letter about Jeremy Piven, however (fat chance!), be assured I'll mean every word of my mean-spirited caption. Now...To the Batcave!

Entertainment Weekly, April 11, 2008

What were you thinking, giving Funny Games - which made Hostel: Part II look ingenious - a B+ (Movies)? It had not a shred of intelligence, from its ridiculous plot to its bad music to its overly long scenes. Please tell me that your review is an April Fools' joke come early.
Damion J. Rowan
Montreal

Damion,
I always shout out "April Fools!" when I come early. It masks the shame and diverts my partner's attention long enough for me to run into the shower and cry. Man, that was way funnier in my head.

As for the rest of your letter, I can't claim to know the reviewer's motives, but I could point out that most of the folks who write for EW have all the brains and aesthetic sense of a honey-cured ham, or that they, like honey-cured hams, tend to buy into the fallacy that anything made by a European director automatically has more depth than similar American product, or even that reactions to art are subjective even to those trained in critical analysis. But most likely the guy just enjoyed looking at Naomi Watts' tits for two hours. Occam's razor saves the day once again!

Beautiful love where have you gone?,
John

Entertainment Weekly, May 9, 2008

Wow! After scoring so poorly on your "Ultimate TV Quiz," I was amazed at how little television I actually watch. Good for me.
David Kaufman
Frederick, Colo.

David,
Unfortunately, that good is nullified by the fact that you read Entertainment Weekly and waste your time taking its quizzes. And also by the fact that you write a letter for publication that basically consists of patting yourself on the back while simultaneously implying the majority of said publication's readers are inferior to you. Other than that, though, you're awesome!

She was a winner who became a doggie's dinner,
John

I love your magazine. Thanks for featuring the clever, handsome, smart, and humble John Krasinski in Spotlight. If he were an English teacher in an alternate universe, then I'd love to be the quiet art teacher down the hall, trying to build up the courage to steal him away from the biology teacher (who'd be none other than Rashida Jones!).
J.K. Robinson
San Diego

More exciting: The wallpaper or John Krasinski?

J.K. (I wouldn't use my full name, either),
Wow. Sounds like you've got a fantasy world to rival that of your fellow J.K., Ms. Rowling. And while both your fantasy worlds result in some vaguely disturbing work, at least she's found a way to make some cash off the deal. You, on the other hand, seem to have invested an obscene amount of time in concocting this elaborate "alternate universe" based entirely around someone you will, in all likelihood, never even come into contact with (unless you end up playing out some creepy Travis Bickle-type scenario), and you've even cast, as your rival for his affections, the actress who played his girlfriend on TV. As we in the psychiatric profession tend to say when presented with such cases, you're out of your liver-snap mind, bitch (though I admit that whole teacher triangle idea might make for some fun threesome role-playing, if you're so inclined [and something tells me you are]). First off, nobody's going to date an art teacher - they're one step up on the pathetic ladder from singers in up-and-coming indie rock bands. Trust me, no matter what people might say, they're not really happy to have you sleep on their couch for months at a time and listen to you whine about how the mainstream doesn't "get" you. Secondly, I'm thinking I could make a mint starting a support group for those who confuse TV characters with the actors who portray them, 'cause it sure seems there are way more of you walking the streets than I would have imagined. So thanks for the inspiration. Third, it's my professional opinion that you should maybe buy a goldfish or something. You need to start small. After becoming acclimated to the fish, you could work your way up to a turtle, and if you're lucky, in another decade or two, you'll be ready to interact with normal human beings. Good luck with that. Freak.

I'd be willing to wager that it don't matter much if we keep in touch,
John

Mooooooo

I do apologize for the absence, but last week was my birthday, and the way I understand it, that means I get to do whatever the fuck I want for seven days straight, including ignoring all my responsibilities (blogging, personal hygiene, obeying the bitch-ass "law") and making out with anyone I choose, consequence-free (I'm looking at you, Justin Timberlake! We could make a beautiful man-baby and name him Blanket!). In other words, I lied when I said "I apologize".

Also, I've been working on re-vamping an older music-related blog I used to do, which I'll unveil shortly. Hopefully I'll divide my time between writing that one and this one, which will no doubt satisfy my extreme ADD personality type. Now, if you'll shut up for a minute, I'll get to the feature presentation.

Entertainment Weekly, May 16, 2008

A woman as stunning and talented as Tina Fey shouldn't be allowed to be married to just one man.
John Hardin
Los Angeles

L. to R.: Rachel Dratch (Photoshopped out), Tina Fey

Dear John,
It's a sad state of affairs, to be sure. Next thing you know they'll allow intelligent, attractive women to vote, or earn as much as men in the workplace! Then they'll be ovulating all over important documents (I'm not quite sure what "ovulation" means) and turning the water cooler into a den of gossip! Oh, I can just hear the constant hen clucking now, like a drill boring directly into my head-meat. Why did we ever decide to come out of the Middle Ages?

On the other hand, rather than the draconian solution you propose, maybe we could just let her marry one man and sleep around on the side. That arrangement's seemed to work in the past (and is, in fact, precisely how the entire country of France has been populated). Don't fret, son - I'm sure you'll be right on the top of her list. Now run along, before I feel the urge to vomit on you. Metaphorically, I mean. Also literally. I've driven farther than L.A. to puke on someone, believe me.

Gordon is a moron,
John

Although I enjoyed your tribute to Charlton Heston ("An Epic Life"), I was disappointed he wasn't on the cover. Every Easter I watch Ben-Hur, and Soylent Green and Planet of the Apes are uncompromised in their uniqueness.
Liz Fajardo
South San Francisco

What's wrong with this picture? (Hint: Everything.)

Liz,
I was also shocked - shocked, I say! - that they didn't put Heston on the cover. Who does EW think its readers are that they wouldn't want a cover pic of some thousand-year-old fossil to tape onto the inside of their lockers? Especially a thousand-year-old fossil who's done so much iconic film work in the past couple decades? Who will soon forget his stirring role as the voice of "The Mastiff" in 2001's "Cats & Dogs", or the Oscar-worthy performance he turned in as "Eugenie's Father" in 2001's (the man was on fire that year!) "Town & Country"? And as the baby Jesus is my witness, I can't even speak of his work as "Narrator" in "Bagpipe: Instrument of War" without choking up like a gay.

I should point out, though, that it's somewhat difficult for a film to be "uncompromised" in its uniqueness (whatever the hell that means) when said film is basically high camp even when not seen only in retrospect. In other words, cheesy lowbrow sci-fi with O. Henry endings have made so many compromises by the time they're committed to celluloid that only a damn dirty ape could claim any integrity for them whatsoever. But I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know.

It's a nightmare, it's all negative, nothing matters and what if it did?,
John

p.s. South San Francisco? Jeez, Liz, do you live in a carpet warehouse or an oil refinery or something?

Your article "Going To Pot" asked the question "How DO you get stoners to leave the house?" Well, that's easy: offer a free small popcorn with the movie ticket.
Michele Holley
Sanford, Fla.

Michele,
Shut yer ovulating yap, woman! I already have to deal with the goddamned elderly loudly pointing out every single plot point to each other and dumb-asses text messaging throughout the movie; now you want to add some potheads giggling at inappropriate moments and not being able to discern whether they're whispering or shouting to the mix? Why not just open the theater to friggin' pigeons so they can fly around and crap on my head, while you're at it? Does nobody have compassion anymore?

Luckily, your plan would never work, for a couple reasons:
First, have you ever seen the small popcorn? That wouldn't lure a starving midget to a movie (Well, maybe Jeremy Piven). The small is basically a thimble, and if you add any fake butter, it's going to push your popcorn right out onto your ugly lap. No way is that going to attract a mob of hopped-up slackers with the munchies. The theaters would have to offer at least a free medium popcorn (which inexplicably comes in a container 20 times larger than the small), and the chains will never fork out for that as long as Jack Valenti's alive. Or dead and running Hell, which is his current occupation, I believe.

Second, I, like most great Americans, have driven stoned as a youth, so I know for a fact that by the time the stoners tooled into the parking lot after engaging in interminable digressive arguments about which film to see and then driving 5 MPH for the next hour to get there, the movie would already be halfway over and they'd just decide to go to Baskin-Robbins instead. Thankfully, the predictability of people on drugs will always work to foil your nefarious plan. If only we could legalize medical marijuana, maybe I'd be free of the old people and their conversations, too. Everybody has a dream, and this is mine. Well, this and the one where I'm back at my high school graduation and it turns out I don't have enough credits to graduate for some reason, but that one hardly seems relevant here, so I'll refrain from bringing it up.

Brassneck! - I've just decided I don't trust you anymore,
John

Wake Me When It's Over

People, May 12, 2008

These two (Jay-Z and Beyonce) were meant for each other. And because they are very private people, they're going to have something you rarely see in Hollywood: a marriage that lasts. Best wishes, Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Erica Howe
Norristown, Pa.

"These people behind us? We own them!"

Erica,
I know, right? Man, I really wish they weren't such private people, too, because it's so hard to find any information on them and their highly intriguing Lives of Mystery. If only they'd hire PR reps or something, maybe they could land some Pepsi or Budweiser commercials, or start their own clothing lines, or buy shares in basketball teams, or produce a string of number one albums, or perform to sold-out crowds in huge fucking arenas, or star in films, or own sports bars set to expand to international locations, or start buying up half the real estate on the Eastern Seaboard, or get saturation media coverage every time one of them makes lip-fart noises or something, but their refusal to engage in the usual "star trip" behavior means we'll have to try to fill in the blanks as best we can. Near as I can tell, Jay-Z likes to spend his time perfecting his own blend of herbal tea and tending to his modest tomato garden, while Beyonce enjoys quiet evenings at home in their cottage knitting and playing Second Life. But this is all hearsay and peyote ramblings. Maybe one day they'll decide to break their Garboesque silence and allow us mere mortals a glimpse into the human beings behind the mystique, but I wouldn't count on it - they don't seem the types to crave attention.

I think you hit the nail on the head about the prospects for their marriage, as well. I'm no certified psychologist - though I do maintain a thriving practice - but it seems to me these two have what it takes to go the distance. And I don't just mean unlimited access to high-grade amphetamines. No, what brings most committed relationships to a bitter, murderously vengeful denouement is the inability of one or both parties to compromise. But neither Jay-Z or Beyonce, from what I can see, possesses a huge ego, so they should have no trouble in that department. In fact, I'm certain it will be nothing at all like the Whitney and Bobby Brown debacle. Unless you're some kind of racist, the parallels just don't exist - I mean, Jay-Z can't even sing! Anyone who'd even make such a prediction can feel free to eat the poo currently percolating in my lower intestine. Lord knows I hate to bust out the scatological insults, but I'm just so darn tired of this generation's cynicism and unwillingness to believe in the power of love. So I repeat: Help yourself to a heaping serving of my ordure, naysayers! Do not be jealous because the two greatest musical geniuses of our age have formed a blessed union, even if it appears to have more in common with a corporate merger than an actual romantic partnership. That is the hallmark of the Marriage of the Future, and the future is now. And, as always, the great artists are leading the way.

Now, if you'll graciously excuse me, I believe my Pop-Tarts are burning again. Motherfuck!

She came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge,
John

People, April 14, 2008

Regarding former New York Governor Spitzer: An old adage reworked is appropriate; time wounds all heels.
Lucia Capton
Oakland, Calif.

Lucia,
Gosh, what a funny reworking of an old adage! You know what was even funnier? When Nick Lowe reworked the adage the exact same way 25 years ago for his song - wait for it - "Time Wounds All Heels". It appeared on his album The Abominable Showman, a term you could probably use in your next letter to People to describe the work of Dane Cook, say - I bet all your friends will compliment you on your wit when you drop that little bon mot and pass it off as your own! Maybe you'll even get lucky and land a job writing sketch comedy - I happen to know this great "Dead Parrot" skit that's guaranteed to get you declared a genius! And if you're still worried about your place in history, be sure to ask me about the "Who's on first?" routine. Hint: "Who" is somebody's name. Get it?

p.s. Keep it real in Oaktown! Maybe I'll see you jogging around Lake Merritt! Through my binoculars, I mean. Jogging's for assholes, if you ask me.

There are no answers - only reasons to be strong,
John