Sunday, February 10, 2008

Second Edition

Since we could all benefit from losing a few pounds, let's dispense with the appetizers and jump straight into the main course. Digging into the past:

Entertainment Weekly, Nov. 9, 2007

Your photo issue was a delight, with those eye-candy pictures of Patrick Dempsey. But the photo that made me stare with true adoration? The lovely image of Atticus Finch's glasses. Be still my heart.
Kimberly Perry
Myrtle Beach, S.C.

It's not like you're the only one of the bunch to fall into such a trap, but you are the first, so I feel it is my Christian duty to inform you that Atticus Finch is not a real person. Now, I haven't perused the issue to which you're referring - and there's not a chance in Hell that I ever will - but I'm going to assume what's got your loins all toasty is a picture of the glasses Gregory Peck wore for his role as Atticus Finch. And let me tell you something, sister: I can relate! Why, just the other night I sprang a chubby while gazing at a picture of Bea Arthur's dentures! Nevertheless, instead of bragging about my bizarre fetish in the pages of a national magazine, I have sought professional counseling. I'd urge you to do the same, lest you end up on the front page of the Myrtle Beach Gazette after having been arrested for breaking and entering so you could sniff Jeremy Piven's old socks or somesuch. The first step in recovery is admitting you have a (severe, creepy) problem. I know you can overcome, girlfriend!

Nothin' but love for you, baby,

I was so glad that the shot of Sylvester Stallone's gloves from the original Rocky opened "The Things They Carried". To see the gloves from one of the most famous boxing matches in cinema history was a treat. Wonder if Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed) has the other pair.
Rocky Winer
El Cajon, California

I hate to be the one to break this to you, Rocky (man, you really are a fan, aren't you?), but that wasn't an actual boxing match. It was a scene in a movie, which, despite what EW readers seem to think, means it was make-believe. That belt Apollo Creed won? A prop. The blood on Rocky's face? Ketchup. Stallone's acting? CGI and robotics. It's always painful (by which I mean "gratifying") to have to shatter someone's deeply-held illusions, but The Truth doesn't take any vacation days.

By the way, it was certainly thoughtful of you to parenthetically clear up the role played by Mr. Weathers for your readers, but completely unnecessary. If they don't know who Carl Weathers is, I guarantee you they damn sure won't know who Apollo Creed is, since that's pretty much where his career began and ended. It's difficult to accept that not everyone shares our obsessions, but this is how we become fully actualized. Now, if you don't mind, I have grown weary of you and your issues. I bid you good day, sir!

I'll always remember you fondly,

Thanks for showing some class and justifiably castigating The Jazz Singer (DVD). Like The Birth of a Nation, it may have been a milestone in filmmaking, but that doesn't make it any less abhorrent.
Megan Grant

Iowa City

The Jazz Singer: Still not as offensive as the Wayans Brothers

Dear Megan,
I'm glad to see you're getting something out of your Liberal Arts curriculum - sounds like you were paying attention in The History of American Cinema and Racial Studies 101. I'll be sure and drop in on you after you graduate when I want to order some fries.

You had me at "Hello",

By focusing on Al Jolson's trademark black-face numbers, this review does a great disservice to a landmark film and one of the preeminent entertainers of the 20th century. The movie should be required viewing for anyone who wishes to learn from the past.
Rob Roy

Cerritos, Calif.

Hey Rob,
If you're ever in Iowa City looking to get laid, I can tell you who not to call.

That's just my baby daddy,

In your Josh Brolin article (Spotlight), I was surprised you talked about Mr. Sterling but didn't mention his three seasons as Jimmy Hickok on The Young Riders. Thanks to the show, Josh has a group of "Jimmyholics" who still follow his career.
Lisa Willobee

South Haven, Mich.

I was surprised myself. Not that they didn't refer to The Young Riders - I doubt anybody but shut-ins who've willed their estates to their innumerable cats even gives half a poo about that TV show at this late date - but that you actually used (coined?) the word "Jimmyholics" with apparent sincerity. But hey - in our everyone's-a-victim age, there's probably a legitimate 12-step program out there for you and your similarly afflicted brethren. In any case, I'm sure Mr. Brolin wouldn't be at all disturbed by how you choose to identify yourself. In fact, you should probably wait for him in the bushes outside his house some night and proclaim your Jimmyholism to his face. I bet he'll end up asking you to marry him! You'll never know if you don't try.

Your letter shrank my soul a bit,

While "The Big Bang Theory" doesn't break new ground, C- was too harsh (Television)! With the recent drought of good sitcoms, it's worth adjusting the curve for comedies with laughs and likable characters. Not every great comedy has a complex premise, nor do they all do their best work in season 1 (see: Seinfeld).
Josh Weikert

Collegeville, Pa.

I don't know how much of a sitcom aficionado you are, but most of them that suck ass in the first season continue to suck ass throughout their runs (see: According To Jim, Wings, Home Improvement, Two And A Half Men, Coach, Will & Grace, ad infinitum). Using Seinfeld as an example is akin to those people who always pipe up about Einstein dropping out of school - it says much more about Einstein than it does about drop-outs in general, the vast majority of whom, let's face it, are about as likely to come up with a Unified Field Theory as I am to spontaneously shit out a fully-formed baby macaw on my next trip to the lavatory. Anyway, if people like you would learn to pipe down every time they feel the networks have done them an injustice by canceling some idiot-drool high-def pabulum, maybe crap like Full House and Martin wouldn't have cluttered up the airwaves for countless fucking eons. Have a little mercy on your fellow human beings and keep those thoughts to yourself. Ass.

Love is the seventh wave,

I found "The Waiting Game" interesting (News & Notes). The Nielsen ratings are antiquated and inaccurate. I don't know anyone who watches live TV anymore: We're using our DVRs or our computers. If the networks are listening to Nielsen, they should also be airing The Ed Sullivan Show.
Lalenia Lichamer

Plainfield, Ill.

While I vaguely agree with your general sentiments (inasmuch as I give a damn at all, I mean), you are surely of an advanced enough age to realize that "everyone I know" is not a statistically significant sample size when you're trying to dictate policy. Hell, nobody I know has cervical cancer, but you don't see me petitioning the AMA to force OB/GYNs to stop testing for it. This is an age of technology and progress, Lichamer, and if you don't want to use the Scientific Method we might as well go back to the Middle Ages, when people believed their destinies were determined by the stars and were afraid to put 13th floors on buildings and thought there was a benevolent mystical being in the clouds who controlled everything in creation. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a pretty hellish scenario in my book.

Oh, also, people who watch TV shows on their DVRs and computers aren't forced to watch commercials, so Nielsen doesn't care about them. I mean, you don't think the Nielsen system's in place to determine the aesthetic value of the actual programs, do you?

I've never been to me,

People, Nov. 12, 2007

Note: The first 3 letters of this issue dealt with the latest Britney tragedy, and I just didn't have the stomach to deal with them, so I've edited them out. Rest assured, they were all as moronic as you'd figure.

As the mother of an 8-year-old girl who has Asperger's Syndrome, I enjoyed the article about Heather Kuzmich. Kaitlin and I watch America's Next Top Model, and Heather gives my daughter hope that she too can reach her dreams and not let her Asperger's stand in her way. Stories like this shed light on autism and show that those who live with it can make their lives whatever they choose to.
Carrie Chavanne
Washington, Maine

Heather Kuzmich is putting an end to all the old stereotypes, and I pray she makes it all the way to the end of the show. But she has already won in my eyes - she is a beautiful person inside and out. As the mother of a 10-year-old boy with autism, I finally have hope!
Andrea Gagnon
Valencia, Calif.

Carrie & Andrea,
I'm sorry to hear about your children. No parent should have to go through that. But on a brighter note, I used to know some kids whose parents thought they had Asperger's, and in the end it turned out they were just kind of assholes. So there's always hope!

In any case, I can't see where Asperger's or even full-blown autism would pose any special obstacle to anyone wanting to become a professional model. Heck, having Down Syndrome hasn't stopped Tyra Banks from enjoying a lucrative career, has it?

At the Copa, Copacabana,

Like Isaac Hanson, I was hospitalized for a pulmonary embolism. At age 25, I never thought something like this could happen to me. It's certainly a scary experience, but if caught early enough it can be treated, so be aware of the symptoms. Thanks for bringing this story to the attention of more young adults.
Nicky S. via e-mail

Isaac Hanson: Pulmonary Embolismmm-Bop

A pulmonary embolism at age 25? How old were you the first time you broke your hip - 12? My advice: you might want to cut bacon out of your diet, or two years from now you're going to need a quadruple-bypass. If you want, I'd be glad hook you up with a distributor that can get you Depends at wholesale prices. That connection has gotten me out of many a potentially embarrassing sitch, let me tell you!

All kidding aside, though, in my opinion you're merely inches away from grim death. If you've ever wanted to rob a bank, I'd do it soon.

In my life I loved you more,

I fell in love with Joey Fatone last year on "Dancing With The Stars" and have been going through withdrawal pains ever since it ended. Thanks very much for giving me my "Yoey" fix!
Tony Bradley
Sedalia, Mo.

Dear freak,
I'm not even going to pretend I'm in hip to your "Yoey" nickname, but I recommend you strike up a correspondence with Lisa "Jimmyholic" Willobee upthread, and the two of you can continue to come up with terminology designed to ostracize you from every sane person within an 8-mile radius. That way you guys can cultivate an "outsider" pose but still have the security of knowing there's one special person out there who truly understands you. It'll be kinda like Bonnie & Clyde, only with (I'm guessing) vastly larger quantities of Nacho Cheese Doritos consumed.

Is that all there is?,

1 comment:

i said...

you're a vicious ass. and goddamn hilarious.