Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Where Did The Ordinary People Go?

All right, couple spleen-ventings before we get to the letters:

First, how many of you watch Jeopardy? If you do, riddle me this: Is it just me, or has Alex Trebek gotten increasingly more dickish over the years? He used to seem relatively polite and mild-mannered, as befits a good Canadian, or maybe I just used to be more trusting. In any case, it seems like he's always got some snide little comment to make these days, like "Oh, no, I'm sorry, your response of 'Manet' was incorrect. The real answer, of course, is Monet. Monet is what you were looking for". But he says it with such an air of smug superiority that what actually comes across is "My God, you stupid fool, what kind of dumb-fuck doesn't know that? And when will you turnip-truck pea-brains understand that I should be revered as a God for my vastly more advanced knowledge and proper pronunciation? Never mind the fact that I've got all this info in front of me on a prompter, and probably go to Pompous Gasbag class every day to get the inflection exactly right when I inevitably have to say laissez-faire". At least, that's how I hear it. I wonder how often they have to stop the tape because a contestant takes a swing at his punk ass, or edit out mumbled profane epithets hurled his way? If I ever get on the show, I'll let you know myself.

Little-known fact: Alex started his career in television playing the role of Lamont on the hit series "Sanford & Son".

Second, while I really am happy that people enjoy this blog and take the time to comment and e-mail, some of you are, to put it charitably, giant fucking assholes I wouldn't waste the energy to cross the street and spit on. I always check out the websites/blogs of those who comment/e-mail, and for some reason, I seem to attract a fairly large (as a percentage of people who actually read this) number of right-wing nutjobs. Now, I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill conservative, who, though undoubtedly misguided in his worldview, nevertheless comes by his political convictions honestly and doesn't cause too much damage to society. No, I mean douchebags with entire blogs dedicated to homophobia and anti-Muslim hate speech. As I replied to at least one of you in e-mail and even alluded to on this very blog way back yonder in the mists of time: there is no pretty much no issue on which you could label my position "conservative". Well, maybe fucking livestock or something, but even then, I'd wait to hear the pig's side of things before rushing to judgment.

Seriously, I don't get it. You militia-types-in-training get the concept of "jokes", right? Fuckin'-A, even if that's too cosmic a theme for you to grasp, I don't see how you get "right wing sympathizer" from anything here. I guess the problem with irony/sarcasm/satire/etc. is that some moron somewhere's going to take you at face value. Remember when that disgusting old insect Reagan tried to appropriate Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." for his own political gain? You guys should really try to learn from your idiotic predecessors' mistakes. But shit, then I suppose there wouldn't be a Republican Party anymore, would there? Probably no war or recession, either, come to think of it. And then what would any of us have to bitch about?

I know not all Republicans are fear-mongering hate puppets. As a good liberal, I try to avoid gross generalizations and blatant confirmation bias. Nevertheless, one thing I feel confident in saying about the Grand Old Party: You are some butt-ugly sumbitches. Jesus Christ, watch any political news show that has clips of any branch of government and you can pretty much play "spot-the-Republican" without glancing at the bottom right of the screen just by noting how singularly unattractive they are. The Refuglican Party, you should be called! I'd find it easier to "pop a B" (if you follow me) watching the colon surgery channel for a week than watching Fox News for five minutes, for real. Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of ugly Democrats, too - I'm not saying every ugly person is a Republican. But every Republican is an ugly person. How you even manage to perpetuate the conservative gene is beyond me - either you've managed the unenviable feat of asexual reproduction, much like our little friend the aphid (which is still far more fuckable than you and your ilk), or you're so in lockstep to the party line that you all rushed out and stocked up on Viagra when your boy Dole endorsed it back in the day. If you're a Republican woman, on the other hand, you must just be shit-faced all the time (which would explain Ann Coulter). Speaking of whom, if that's the best you can do for a sex symbol - and it is - you might as well pack up your genitalia and call it a day. Not only is her face in competition with Maria Shriver's for Skeletor-lookalike-of-the-century, but her body's (very) roughly modeled on the classic Number 2 pencil. I bet if she ever brushed you with her elbow you'd get a paper cut! I don't even know what that means, but it's wittier than anything she's ever spewed from her vile bulimic lips. You guys can't even get good-looking celebrity endorsements. What have you got? Vincent Gallo? Holy shit! His middle name should be "You ain't got no alibi"! And what's with your pundit mouthpieces? Both George Will and Tucker Carlson wear bow-ties, for God's sake. I understand their desire, as conservatives, to return to a "simpler time", but shit, even in the 1940s only laughingstocks (i.e., barbershop quartets and magicians) would be caught dead wearing those abominations. Also, Tucker Carlson looks just like Arcade from the old Marvel comics. Is a cartoonish psychopath anything to base a political party on? From the statements made by Rove and Cheney lo these many years, it appears it is.

Anyway, my point is, you are horribly unappetizing physical creatures, and should probably be rounded up and demolished, just like they do with buildings when they become eyesores.

If you in any way took umbrage to any of the preceding, this blog ain't written for you. If you're not sure how serious I was about any of that, then I'm accomplishing exactly what I intended. If you find it funny regardless, you is my people.

Note: I was entirely serious about you right-wing hate bloggers, just so you know. You can fuck off and die, as far as I'm concerned. Shit be pissing me off, for serious.

Oh, and if the following answers are again too brief, as a reader who keeps referring to me as "monkey boy" claims, blame the aforementioned bloggers. Then spam the shit out of their comments pages with Marxist ideology and hope it's enough to cause them massive strokes. If that doesn't work, remember the old saying: "Brevity is the".

Entertainment Weekly, Aug. 8, 2008

Thanks for the Comic-Con preview. It shows how much great entertainment has been viewed by passionate, faithful freaks and geeks well before anyone else had a clue. The nerds really do control the world.
Matthew Scott

New York City


Matthew,
We must have entirely contradictory views on what constitutes "controlling the world", then, because watching pre-release CGI dorkfests in a pathetic attempt to one-up the rest of the sucker public doesn't even qualify as controlling your own baser impulses in my book. I guarantee you I'm not lamenting the fact that some schmoe with an extensive "action figure" collection already got to see the video-game-graphics masterpiece that is Star Wars: The Clone Wars or whatever the hell it's called while surrounded by cheering (in Vulcan!) asthmatics in Hulk costumes, because even in 7th grade, the last time I gave a tinkling shit about sci-fi/fantasy, I had sense enough to wait a few weeks after the release date to see that shit at the multiplex without having to wait in line for days like a Soviet peasant trying to score some flour, and besides, if I was the type to lament such things, I'd probably have been at Comic-Con with you in the first place, so you'd look the fool either way. I considered making that run-on sentence even longer to illustrate just how boring it can be to read the opinion of someone with whom you have nothing in common beyond a chromosomal level, but I wasn't sure you'd get the point. Well, there's probably something we have in common, to wit: I'm going to head off and masturbate right now. The difference between us is that I'm going to masturbate about a human being who actually exists. 'Cause that's how I roll, Matthew. I imagine you probably roll when approaching a steep incline. Thus is the wonderful variety of life on Earth multiplied in new ways and eternally refreshed. Now shut your yap hole! I've got an imaginary date with a certain co-worker to get to. Damn cock-blocking nerd.

I am Superman and I know what's happening,
John

If 1978's "Superman" kicked off the comic-book movie culture (Movies), then what exactly were the Superman and Batman movie serials of the '40s?
Phil Marsh

Santa Ana, Calif.


Phil,
I dunno - shitty piles of crap, maybe?

She came all the way from America,
John

I was pleasantly surprised to find an article about country music. After reading it, I was even more satisfied ("The Sugarland Express"). The Sugarland members have a great career ahead of them.
Betsy McWilliams

West Des Moines, Iowa


"Here's a little ditty 'bout rape and murder!"

Betsy,
I concur! I only pray that great career is in the real estate field.

Used to live at home, now I stay at the house,
John

p.s. Most country music fans are pleasantly surprised to find articles about country music.

p.p.s. This is because it's usually their first realization that they've finally attained basic literacy.

p.p.p.s. Get it?

p.p.p.p.s. Country fans are teh dum!!!1!!

p.p.p.p.p.s. Hee!

I think the backlash surrounding Katherine Heigl's withdrawal from the Emmy race had little to do with her ability to express her thoughts, but rather the fact that she gives herself far too much credit. Does she remember her prior filmography included "My Father, the Hero" and "Bride of Chucky"?
Meg Myers

Tulsa


Meg,
Just one look into her eyes and I fell confident in answering: No. No, she doesn't remember. Hell, the woman can't even remember to keep necessary, life-affirming vowels in her name - I imagine asking for higher memory functions is right out of the question at this stage of the game. At least she's still breathing without the aid of a machine, though! It's the small victories you must learn to cherish.

I'm gonna love you too,
John

5 comments:

Kimberly said...

Alex Trebek has always been snide, at least as long as I have been watching. You have to give the man credit, though; he manages to sound interested in the lame-ass stories the contestants come up in order to seem interesting and/or funny.

Do I sound bitter? Well, maybe a bit. After all, it should be my boring, lame-ass stories on that tv screen.

Stupid Jeopardy screening process.

Canaduck said...

I think you're hilarious and I'm glad you're back. Also, I'm sorry you've been dealing with crap from psychotic jackasses.

Sarai said...

My entire family (not including my sister and I) are Republicans so I'm basically here to corroborate your statement. They're. All. Fug. All of them. It makes sense, though. All that pent up ignorance/evil/anger/daddy issues is (are?) bound to end up exploding all over their face someday. And it's a good thing too. It makes it easier to pick out the dickcakes from a crowd, which I like.

AnnieMcPhee said...

There is a whole montage of Trebek saying "fuck" and "shit" and a lot of other things on ebaumsworld. Pretty hilarious.

I get that you loathe the right-wing, but imagine being me - who doesn't like left OR right wing. You think you have it hard? Heh. Though I do think that Michele Malkin, Laura Ingraham, Barbra Olson (R.I.P. - Pentagon crash) and others are some good examples of right wing hottery which you may have missed ;)

Betsy said...

I was leading an enriching and very intelligent life so I only found your comment about my letter today. Only an ignorant person would think I was impressed by the article because I'm unitelligent - that assumption is rude and unfounded. I was impressed because EW readers don't usually get articles about the genre. Think before you speak about someone you don't know at all.