Thursday, May 22, 2008

Believe It Or Not, George Isn't At Home...

As I mentioned, I'm doing a second blog now, so I won't be updating this one on a daily basis anymore (not that I really have been anyway), but I'll keep it up at least a few times a week. If you know what I mean. And if you do, please pass it along to me. I'm totally lost.

People, June 2, 2008

Like Julianne Moore, I too have spent my life wishing for a new hair color. Not anymore! Thank you for letting the world know redheads are unique and beautiful and for making me feel special.
Amy Hartman

Grove City, Ohio

I hate to take a dump in your oatmeal, but not all redheads are beautiful (much less unique - a good rule of thumb when using this term: if there's more than one of something, it's not unique in any sense of the word). Maybe you're unfamiliar with that annoying kid who always called Phillip Drummond "Mr. D." and sang fucked-up country songs on Diff'rent Strokes? You know, the little butt-ass who went on to star in that sub-Saved By The Bell-level atrocity Salute Your Shorts? Well, take my word for it, he was about as fugly as they come. There are, of course, also many attractive redheads (as there are of any friggin' hair color [except white - albinos and the elderly will always be hideous]), as pretty much anyone with even an IQ in the low teens would suspect. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure "the world" already knew this without having to be reminded by People. Why it's news to you is puzzling, but I'm glad a single article about Julianne Moore was able to reverse a lifetime of low self-esteem. Just think, pretty soon people won't need therapists at all - they'll just go into the therapists' waiting rooms and read their magazines to gain a whole new perspective! And with all the money they end up saving, I'm sure they'll start a foundation to end the persecution of you poor, oppressed gingy freaks. If you can dream it, you can do it!

I wanna destroy you,

I do not understand how Jennifer Aniston can be interested in John "love 'em and leave 'em" Mayer. He has blown through so many sweet girls; I hope Jen wises up.
Margaret Loper
via e-mail

"Were this 50 years ago, I might actually look like a rebel, rather
than a poseur douche sitting for a high school yearbook picture."

To be honest, if I was Ms. Aniston I'd be less worried about whether he was going to dump me than I would about whether I was in fact a mouth-breathing moron, given that he'd previously dated Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt, both of whom would appear to possess roughly the same level of sentience as a Holstein. The man's (and I use that term loosely) obviously got a type, and suffice it to say, there's a reason he never wrote a song called "Your Mind Is A Wonderland".

In any case, I'm sorry to report that I don't think she's going to "wise up" any time soon. I mean, wasn't she dating that singer from Counting Crows for a while? She's apparently learned nothing about moving up on the horrible Adult Alternative Musician dating ladder. I'm not sure if John Mayer is a step up or a step down - I've misplaced my Annoying Pop Fool conversion chart - so let's just call it a lateral move and be done with the whole sorry subject.

I'm the all-night drug-prowling wolf who looks so sick in the sun,

Entertainment Weekly, May 30, 2008
Between the tousled hair and the bare back, the photo of Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair is an adult, erotic image (News & Notes). Disney needs to make a decision. If they want "a billion-dollar empire based on one girl's goodness," as you put it in your article, they need to stop giving their teenage TV stars recording contracts and making them into goddesses. Get the hint already, Disney: If you don't want these teens to act like adults, stop TREATING them like adults!
JoAnna Yoder

Newport, Ore.

Verily, I have a hankerin' for some PEZ!

Tousled hair and a bare back, you say? Thank goodness she didn't show any exposed ankle, or there'd be a national panic. A run on the banks! Blackouts and looting! Pigeons flying into office windows! It'd be bedlam, I tell you! And, as usual, all because some damn teenager decided on an "adult, erotic" pose for their photo shoot. What's it going to take for this country to wake up and realize that mussing your hair and exposing your back is the first step down a road that ends in a degrading three-way with a couple of undesirable minorities in some fleabag motel off the Jersey Turnpike? It's a story as old as time, and nearly as inevitable. Miley should be grateful there are such arbiters of morality as you to keep her in check.

Your business acumen is questionable, though. If they want to build the chick into a billion-dollar empire, shouldn't they give her a recording contract? Admittedly, I don't have an MBA - I'm not yet a big enough asshole to qualify for the program - but it seems to me that if you want to exploit somebody for your own financial gain, it's wise to force them into as many possible money-making ventures as you can think of. If they can wrangle it - and if any entity can, it's Disney - they ought to get her recognized as a sovereign nation, mint Republic of Miley Cyrus currency, and open up trade with China. Then, if they're lucky, maybe she can become a nuclear power, which will give her even more bargaining power. Nothing commands respect like the ability to destroy every living thing on the planet except the cockroaches (which unfortunately means the world still wouldn't be rid of Jeremy Piven). If Disney knew shit about shit (which they don't), they'd get to work on this plan before Miley does something to destroy the public goodwill she's built up, like wearing a skirt cut above the knee or flaring her nostrils in a suggestive manner or somesuch. Do no corporations even care about Total Global Domination anymore? This is no longer the country I grew up believing in.

I fell into a burning ring of fire,

1 comment:

ZenDenizen said...

I would love to get my hands on the Annoying Pop Fools conversion chart!