Monday, April 7, 2008

This Is My Happening And It Freaks Me Out!

Entertainment Weekly, March 28, 2008

I appreciated the wonderful feature on Rent ("One Show Glory"). I've seen it more than 100 times over 10 years. You can call me a fanatic, but I feel inspired by its message, and "Rentheads" like me are counting down to the first revival.
Sandra Budiansky

Hudson, Mass.

Rent: The next best thing to actually living in poverty and dying of AIDS

Oh Sandy ba-ay-by,
More than 100 times? I'm not going to call you a fanatic - that wouldn't even make my top 10 list of descriptors for people who'd seen a hundred different shitty musicals, much less the same one 100 times - but I am going to ask you if I can borrow some money. Obviously, you must be hemorrhaging discretionary income out your ass if you can not only afford to see a Broadway production once a month but also make the roughly380-mile round-trip drive to New York for every show. Shit, I can barely afford to go to the fridge for a soda once I've sat down on the couch, and that's just across the room! I don't know about you, but where I live a gallon of gas is roughly the same price as a gallon of dodo blood (and only slightly less than a gallon of bottled water). So how about a couple thousand for a new friend? Please? I'll paint your toenails. C'mon - I'm a little cash-poor at the moment.

Oh, and I love the term "Rentheads" - how did you come up with it? Maybe you should try writing a musical - you've proven you've got just as much originality and creativity as anybody else working in the business. It's always refreshing to see individuals striving to separate themselves from the herd by coming up with ingenious monikers like "Rentheads" or "Deadheads" or "Dittoheads" or "The Manson Family". Nobody will ever mistake you for one of the faceless masses again! Brava, Sandra! Brava.

In Cyberland we only drink Diet Coke,

This was a fitting tribute to Jonathan Larson, whose work continues to remind us that "the opposite of war...[is] creation."
Tina Kazan

Lombard, Ill.

My dearest,
Actually, Tina, I'm pretty sure the opposite of war is "peace". If you've got a dictionary of synonyms and antonyms - i.e., a brain with a language-processing region - handy, you'll see it agrees with my take on the subject. The opposite of destruction is creation, but surely we can both agree that war involves much more than mere destruction, such as rape, and profiteering, and putting bumper stickers on cars, and flushing the economy down the fucking crapper. Take it from me, Tina - never take notes on word meanings from guys who write "rock operas"; they tend to have little familiarity with the mechanics of everyday reality. But they do make dandy paperweights! From each according to his ability, etc. etc.

Birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom!,

People, Feb. 4, 2008

Why was so much space given to Hillary Clinton's campaign? I personally had all I could stomach of the Clintons when Bill was in office. I'm a businesswoman and wouldn't vote for Hillary ever.
Joleen Wallace

Hickry, N.C.

"And now, Senator Obama, I have a question for you:
Did you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

Yeah, I can't imagine what would be noteworthy about Hillary Clinton's campaign. I guess nobody in Malibu had a nipple piercing for them to report on that week. So they were stuck writing a piece on the first viable female candidate for President of the United States, who also happened to be the First Lady the last time this country had any semblance of prosperity (or dignity) (or Constitutional rights). Of course, I'm sure the fact that she's got a multi-million dollar PR machine behind her had nothing to do with it, either - everybody knows People decides who it's going to feature in its hallowed pages based strictly on their merit as human beings. That's why they've had so many Gandhi covers!

Oh, but I see you further clarify that you had all of the Clintons you could stomach from '92-2000. That's what I get for not reading the whole letter before responding. Well, jeez, Joleen, maybe if you'd alerted the media sooner that you, personally, were sick of Hillary they could have saved the countless man-hours they spent covering her and focused on something more important to you, personally, such as Giuliani's presidential run. Were you aware that Rudy was the mayor of New York City during the attacks on the World Trade Center? Don't feel bad - most people weren't, precisely because so many of the pinko news organizations in this country decided it would be more titillating to go with the chick/black dude angle. Someday, though, Giuliani will get to tell his story - the truth cannot stay hidden in a democracy. Especially one that condones wiretapping without warrants.

I'm thrilled to hear you're a businesswoman (though what in the name of fuck that has to do with voting for Hillary I haven't the foggiest), because I've been looking for an answer to a burning question: Is it all right to haggle over price after the blowjob has already been received, or is that just bad form? Somebody should really write a rule book for such situations. Or maybe even a Broadway musical! Though now that I think about it, I guess The Lion King covered the topic somewhat tangentially, having been scored by Elton John and all.

I wish you luck with a capital "F",

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Oddly enough, my best friend and I were discussing the rules of blow-jobs and/or booty calls. Here's an enjoyable snipit from our email transaction...
(set-up: my booty call wanted to take me to dinner - can you even DO that?!)

And for the record again, since when do fuck buddies take each other out to dinner...thats just uncalled for and, frankly, makes the whole situation kinda creepy. There should be little to no conversation and absolutely no romance involved, cause then the line gets blurred and somebody gets crazy *cough* the woman *cough*. I believe a Booty Buddy Manifesto needs to be written to define the do's and don'ts of such a situation...would really make the world a better place. And rule #2 should be that the initiator of said booty call should be the one that has to do the driving...cause otherwise its just plain inconsiderate.